Artwork by ~PickTheScabs
Jeez, talk about being a weirdo as I am sometimes... I just need to get this off of my chest...
After everything with my best friend, I feel like sexually I don't want to trust anyone again. I'm trying to learn to trust the current guy, and we flirt and talk a little dirty, but beyond that I can't seem to usher myself to step outside of the little box I've stuffed myself into. And at the current point in time, I don't need to. But what happens when the day comes that I need to?
After everything with my best friend, I feel like sexually I don't want to trust anyone again. I'm trying to learn to trust the current guy, and we flirt and talk a little dirty, but beyond that I can't seem to usher myself to step outside of the little box I've stuffed myself into. And at the current point in time, I don't need to. But what happens when the day comes that I need to?
I wish I hadn't had sex. I just wanted to do it right. I was so serious when I said that I would've been happy with just one man to share myself with. To me sex was the ultimate gift, the ultimate sacrifice. I was giving to one man what I could never take back, my virginity. I made love to him, shared with him my trust, my passion, my creativity.
Making love was like being thrust into a sea of liquid fire that devoured me. It was taking my heart out of my body and sharing it between me and a man. Making love was so intense, so close, so extreme. It was what I had always wanted. To create that full, universal love and bond with someone on a level I had never before, and never wanted to again with anyone else.
Making love was like being thrust into a sea of liquid fire that devoured me. It was taking my heart out of my body and sharing it between me and a man. Making love was so intense, so close, so extreme. It was what I had always wanted. To create that full, universal love and bond with someone on a level I had never before, and never wanted to again with anyone else.
And it was ruined, thrown in my face. We never even dated. After our vacation, he went home, leaving me with the haunting memories of his fingers on my body, of his breath on my neck, of his lips on my shoulder. Those haunting memories which eat me alive some nights, and make me wonder if I ever want to have sex again. Sex caused me so much pain with him, it caused me to be this way. To feel unsure of if I ever want to give myself to someone again. I can joke, and be a pervert, and do and say as I please... But it doesn't change the scars still in place.
Is sex just sex to the rest of the world? Am I the only one who still thinks it has a heart-felt meaning to it? That it is deeper than just a physical connection of bodies? I had felt like, as we made love, like our souls were melding together. I guess I was wrong... And I wonder if I ever want to share with someone my heart and soul on that level of being availed with no lies or hidden truths or shields to defend myself.
I hope that Jeremy is right. I don't want to get betrayed again. I don't want to love someone, and share my everything with them only to have it crash and burn. I don't know how I survived it last time, but I don't think I'll survive it again. I don't want to bond with someone like that ever again unless I can make it so that that person is the last person I will ever share that bond with... Someone I can share that bond with for the rest of my life, and no one else...
I just want one person to love and trust, one person to love me and one person to love for all time.
