Just for your casual knowledge, this blog is going to be a mixture of my more serious thoughts versus a lot of my romantic and intimate things. So, here is obviously one of the latter.
First off, let me just kind of fill in the space before this current moment in my life. I'll do it very vaguely because I'll most likely flesh out more details as I go along in the future. In the past two years I have been through a total of about four men. Each one hurt me, somehow. The first was a good friend who I dated for almost six months before he ended it on the note of his life needing priority. Later I learned other reasons, and yet one day I still forgave him as well as myself. The next fooled me into a relationship only to throw it in my face after gaining what he wanted of me (though thankfully I was not foolish enough to give him my virginity at the time). That felt pretty crappy, having something imaginary and nice thrown in my face and ripped up to unveil the truth beneath it. The next was a man who eventually moved to live with me, and the relationship turned horribly wrong with fighting, arguments, and what felt like total obliteration of hope. Then I started talking to an old friend over the summer, met him at the end of summer, and made the foolish stand to give him my virginity because I thought we had something. Come to find he never asked me out, thought of us as only friends "in love", and didn't want to- or couldn't for his own personal reasons- turn it into more.
At my current point in life I'm about to finally start simple college. I'm not going for the partying or the freedom, I really just want the education. I'm not a partying girl, I don't like all that hype crap about going wild. Get in, get out, and start life. I want to get my education, get a good job, a companion for my life, and to settle down and enjoy things like that. I'm not a rambling woman, I don't want the promiscuous list of men I've slept with. I want a small few, and to know that hopefully it only takes a small few or one or two before I find the one I'm meant to spend my life with.
I had reached a point recently where I had dropped to perhaps my lowest low. There was something about happily giving someone my trust and virginity, my heart and having it thrown back at me that was what felt like the final straw that broke me. I had ushered out more than I ever had. I gave into him, gave into everything and felt safe. Safety means nothing I see, and that love to some people is not as strong as love to myself. It never became any more than just our friendship. It was just that for a long time we said we loved each other, though I am thinking almost that those words were hollow without the actions to back them up. The actions of commitment, of honesty and keeping trust safe. When you love someone, don't you claim them? Don't you want just one, instead of many? I don't want to be someone's emotional pillar while they achieve physical bliss via whatever outside source they please. I don't care if you can separate emotion from physical need, because I can't. When I love someone, I have a passion for that person that makes me fight for them as if the world depended on it. And when I love someone, I can give myself to them. When I truly truly love someone. And I have only had that happen one real time before. And it was kind of just thrown back in my face. If I would've known that it would've come to a point of wanting to sleep with others while emotionally latched onto each other, I wouldn't have gone as far as sex. Because if I gave my virginity to you, I think it means I don't really want sex with others. I see now I was highly misunderstood.
I've moved on, with the sharp pain and the new light. I had no choice, but I had no time either. No time to build up my walls. I was so tired and I wanted to lay out my defenses and think about it all before I brought them back up. It was in my search for a friend or someone to confide in that I ended up stumbling upon my current circumstance.
His name is Jeremy, and he's a great guy. He's realer than most guys, and so far I have seen no signs of wickedness in him. Fun, a bit geeky, talkative, interesting, and a little bit pervy which matches my humor dead on. But deeper, he's kind, mature, romantic, sensual, trustworthy, intelligent, and perhaps just as fractured as I am. If I can say anything, it is that if he is as good to me as he seems to be, this man will have the one woman who would never betray his trust in her, never find a reason to hurt the loyalty existent in a relationship. Someone who would protect him and stand by him til the ends of time itself. I've told many a man this, and no man finds the offer pleasing enough.
We talk a lot, and it's only been a fairly short term of talking (considering it in "days", as for hours, we've talked countlessly- something that would have taken months to achieve in both normal talking span as well as far as knowing each other). At first I thought it was cute that he liked me, and seemed interested in me. I tried to deny myself falling for this guy, but damn if I'm a sucker. Now I look forward to hearing his voice, I feel excited when I think of getting to see him. And when we talk, I can't stop smiling.
We talk a lot, and it's only been a fairly short term of talking (considering it in "days", as for hours, we've talked countlessly- something that would have taken months to achieve in both normal talking span as well as far as knowing each other). At first I thought it was cute that he liked me, and seemed interested in me. I tried to deny myself falling for this guy, but damn if I'm a sucker. Now I look forward to hearing his voice, I feel excited when I think of getting to see him. And when we talk, I can't stop smiling.
So far, it seems all and well. I'm hoping things go well, for once I'd like to do something right. For once I'd also like to feel assured that maybe my search for someone to love for good is nearing an end.
Oh well, we'll find out, won't we?
-Eternity
