I look back, and realize that my life has never made slow changes. Every time a change happens, it's sudden and sharp. It happens in an instant, I never have time to come down. Hell, if I did have time to recover, I wouldn't know what to do with it.
This past summer, I made two of my greatest friends, though one of them turned out to be not as good for me as I had thought. In the beginning of the summer I had a choice of two men. There was one, one who was pretty awesome. He was hyper, talkative, fun, and a musician- a cute guy, but very loving and very sweet. Protective too, which was nice. Then the other one I had been talking to just a little longer, and had known off and on for about a year beforehand. He was more methodical, quiet, calm, and gentle to talk to. After my ex, and after everything, I picked man number two, and man number one became my best friend.
Mr. 1 was always good to me, and he fell in love with me. I won't lie, for a while I loved him too, but the closer me and Mr. 2 got, the more I was able to shield myself from Mr. 1. But Mr. 1 was always wonderful to me. He was my friend, he checked on me when no one else would. He would take time out of his day to make me smile, to make me happy when I was feeling lost or insecure. Eventually though, he found someone. Her name I will not reveal, but she was a beautiful musician, just like him. And he went out on a wild limb to invite her to move across the country with him after their first date. She agreed, and they were happily ever after...
Kind of.
It came to a point that Mr. 1's woman was afraid of me because she knew that he had strong feelings for me, and that should the chance ever come, that she could lose him to me. And I knew it too, but I also knew that he was my best friend, and that no matter what, I didn't want to lose him. I might not have been the greatest friend, but it came to a point where I just broke the bridge myself, and fell into the icy stream beneath without ever reaching the other end where he was.
When Mr. 2 and I came to the realization that nothing was going to become of us, I crashed and burned hard. I had given my virginity to someone who could likely not even care. I mean, he says he did, and that it meant the world to him, and I understand that. I think one day he will look back and feel an ache in his chest where there will always be the spot meant to be filled by me. Well, I went horribly downward. The most terrible thing was I was pretending for months that there was a commitment secretly between us, that for some hidden reason, he felt just as compelled to be loyal to me as I had felt to be devotedly loyal to him. When I found out that he wanted to maintain emotional ties and our "flirting" while having sex with others to satiate our physical needs, I think I died. And in my burning destruction, in the midst of that fire bomb, I could only think of one person who I could confide my pain into. And that was Mr. 1.
I massively began to text him. The lonesome devoured me whole. I needed someone, someone to tell me it was okay. Because that night, I stood at my window with both panes open, feeling the wind and knowing that I just had to step out and start walking. That was the emotion that rode hard into my being. The desire to escape. To Vagabond, to take on a new name and be someone else for the rest of my life. To lead a wandering life, where I could accept that no love would ever last with me.
Soon, I had two e-mails. And I checked them. Mr. 1's girlfriend told me to stop talking to him, that I was a bad friend, and that this was just a speed bump in my life. No, she couldn't understand it even if she tried. I had been sexually abused starting at the age of 4, my first case of sexual abuse from my older step brother at the time who was a teen. Then again, two times in middle school, and then a last time in high school. I was afraid to just give myself away. I had created an uncanny ability to not give out my physical trust. To be abstinent, to not feel any desire for men or women alike. I felt only the desire to be loved, emotionally, and that when a man loved me enough, that one day he would unleash my passions with it all. Well, I thought Mr. 2 was it. He made me feel so safe, so solid and strong. He made me feel beautiful after a life of being made to feel as if I were the farthest thing from it. After all I had been through, on the first day of meeting Mr. 2 in person, I made love to him; made love for the first time in my life. I never got quite used to sex before our vacation was over, but it came to be that I knew I had given myself to a man, and I would never see that man again. I would never feel his arms around me, never feel that kiss. Never feel his fingers touch me, never feel his body against mine. I would never fall asleep next to his figure again. I would never hold his hand again. I would never run my fingers through his hair. I would never get to cradle him against my chest and smile down at him as we watched TV. I would never get to rest my hand on his leg as he drove. Those chances, those experiences, they were all just memories now, and I couldn't decide if I even wanted them anymore or not. I would've almost preferred to give them up as I would to go back in time and undo it all. And in the end, Mr. 1's woman had contacted me, and I had no idea it would be the last time I'd ever get a message from his e-mail or phone again.
I never heard from him again. The forum board where he and I were, his account suddenly started showing up as "Guest". He'd deleted it. He'd never messaged me back. I never got to say goodbye. I had fucked up again, I had now run off both the man I had wanted, and the best friend I could have ever had. I was totally alone. I finally sent him an e-mail, one titled "One Last Thing, Before I Go". I didn't expect a response, and I wonder if it would've been better if I had never gotten one.
But a few days later, yesterday to be exact, I got a response. It simply read "I got it." and I couldn't tell what those three, simple words meant. Were they meant sarcastically, as in telling me my point got through, as in that he understood I was in pain, but that I was a fool and I'd never have my chance to be his friend again? Or did it correspond with my second sentence of the whole letter, the one that read "I don't know if you'll ever get this"? Was he just giving me the smallest thing he could without being found or spotted? Was his girlfriend so obsessively looking out for him now that she had him to the point where he could no longer contact me? Had she made the decision her or me to him?
Will I ever hear from Mr. 1 again?
I told him one day, when he becomes famous for his amazing musical talents, that I hope I hear his name and I can smile and know that I had faith in him when not many else did. And to know that he is happy, it would make me happy.
Nick, if you can hear me. I hope you have an amazing life. You were the best friend to me. I will miss you always. . .
As for Mr. 2... We still talk. It's kind of slow conversation, a little awkward to me. It's hard not to find it awkward. I mean, look what it all boiled down to... A man who had no faith in love, and a woman who blindly put all of her faith into love. Logically led versus the illogically devoted. I miss my friend in him too, he still gave me good memories when I look back. And some say it's better to have loved and lost than to have not loved at all. I'm still kind of debating on that one, but I know that I'll be finding out how well that lesson applies soon. While I'm moving on well, I am still indecisive on my past. Everything that happened, was it even a lesson to be learned, or did I just get hurt straight forward for once, where there was nothing to be gained but pain? Either way...
I'm talking to someone now, and though I thought I'd never put my faith in another man again, at least not for months and months, I've got faith for him. Maybe my well of faith only appears to have an end. Maybe it is truly endless after all. Regardless, this guy... I see myself falling for him, and I already am. He's not like the others. He's not a total sloth who's so egotistical that I would be just a side project to him. And he's not so conceited and logical that I am but a little pillar of feel-good and a physical something to recall with a smile on his face. He's reasonable, and so sweet. His pet names for me make me smile, and whether he knows it or not, the little things he does for me make me feel so amazingly great. I haven't felt this good in a long time. Jeremy's just all around really good. And to think, I thought the good men were gone missing. Well, I hope I really found one this time, and I've got a kind of gut feeling that perhaps this time, perhaps, I have.
In the end, the pain still lingers from losing my two friends- one who had my heart, and one who had my soul. And having all of that torn out of me, I guess I was in the best semi-recovering shape when Jeremy found me. And now, I guess, he's tending to the wounds that others have left upon me. And I can't help but feel pretty good and lucky to have found myself falling for this guy. I really hope it works out.
It's beginning all over again. From scratch. Love, friendship, and life. I will try my best to go about it right this time... I'll try my best...
-Eternity
