Stupid Girl

Ugh, okay, so I have officially hit my last strand of patience and sanity today. I didn't start today with much in the first place. I've got so much on my mind, so much to think about and so much to do. The reason I game is to get away from it all, it's a great escape.

I got Black Ops as soon as it came out, and I have been playing the hell out of it honestly, because it's fun and it keeps my mind off of things. Best thing, is the ratio of men to women is impossibly delightful, seeing as there is only perhaps one woman to every one or two hundred men. 

So today I am playing in a partied group of people, some of which I don't know because they are friends of people who invited me. I notice there is one girl there, and she talks quite a bit, but eh, doesn't bother me that much. I don't really talk much on mic unless I'm gaming with Trevor simply because we play tactically or try to help each other out. 

In a game of Domination in Ground War- which might I add I've only played Domination once before, and not even a full match (and I don't like it, you need a good tactical team of close  buddies to win that game well)- she and Dovich were talking, and she was questioning his username. He told her where it came from, and how to pronounce it, and she finally decided to just call him by his first name, when he offered it out. I laughed quietly, and said "Maybe I'll start calling you ____ too, seeing as Dovich is way too complicated." It was a joke, a bit of a sarcastic, but light-hearted tone. But low and behold, I forgot that I was talking to Mother Nature's bitch species.

She started literally ranting off, calling me a bitch, saying she didn't need my damn opinion and all this shit. I just sat quiet, I didn't quit the match, I just put up with her bullshit until the end, then backed out of the game completely. It pissed me off so bad too. Do you know, I hate to bite my tongue so hard, but I know- being one- that nine times out of ten if you start a verbal argument with a woman like that, you'll only get more and more pissed off. So either way, I would've gotten to this point, I decided it best to take this route. 

She just really pissed me off. I hate women sometimes, most of the time actually. A lot of women are just bitchy, complaining, and don't ever take a joke lightly like it should be taken. That's why I prefer men in my company. Men are less likely to be superficial, don't bitch as much, and tend to take jokes much better than women. 

Ugh, there was so much I wanted to say. Stupid bitch should've just taken the damn joke that way it was supposed to be, the guys laughed, but when they laughed after  she rolled off the smartass insults to me, they laughed again and went "Ooooooo". It felt like high school all over again. And it reminded me of one instance in very particular, a flashback I haven't had in a long time...

In middle school, I had one class where I was the apart of the only three white people, in a class of about twenty or twenty-two. The white boy was popular, the white girl acted black, and I was the outcast. Of course, I was going to get picked on. There was one girl, named Erika, who found total amusement in putting me down. She'd get literally in my face, the entire class surrounding me, and insult me. They all just laughed. "Hey you fat cracker, you deaf? You like it when I call you fat? Hm? Ha, guys, she's not responding. I think she's fantasizing about me, stupid lesbian cunt."  Every day, for five months. Finally I had come to confront her, because I never had the nerve to stand up to her when the entire class was on her side and I was absolutely alone, only able to just sit back and deal with the torment I dealt with and the dread that made me skip class and try to do anything to stay away from her and that class. 

One day I had come up to her classroom, and did what I could to negotiate without being as low as she was. I told her that I was sick and tired of her crap, that she needed to start treating me with some respect, that she wasn't going to accomplish anything worthwhile with her life if she wasted it putting others beneath her. She acted sympathetic, hugged me, apologized. She was a great actress. As I turned and walked away, I overheard her step into her second block classroom.

"What was that about?"

Erika: "Dumb lesbian chunk wanted me to date her, I was like 'hell naw', even if I was a lesbian, I'd never touch her fat ass with a ten foot pole". 

Back to that woman. Stupid bitch, she reminded just of Erika. I don't feel like gaming anymore, and without Jeremy home, I am just going to curl up in bed and forget I exist for a little bit. Plus I'm staying away from the IRC room after last night's cry-fest all initiated by my trials to rekindle friendship with Ben and the awkward comment made by Jen. Ugh. I only got three hours of sleep last night, and three more during the afternoon today.

God what a wretched day. I want so much to have real friends again...

Cry

This time was different.

Felt like I was just a victim.

And it cut me like a knife,

When you walked out of my life.

Now I'm in this condition,

I've got all the symptoms...

Stop it. You have no idea what has happened to me, what you did. 

I really want to be friends, I don't want to just let you walk out of my life so easily when I literally trusted you with everything I had. I know how things turned out, but please, just be my damn friend. I'm so tired of wondering if you just don't care anymore, that it meant nothing to you. At least if you are my friend I'll not feel like you give no shit at all about me. 

And you and her need to stop flirting in front of me. I don't love you, but damn does it hurt to be constantly reminded of how I got played. You screwed me, took my valuable and meaningful virginity, and never even dated me like you promised. Now you are making sexual flirts with a married woman. Talk about rubbing it in my face. Sometimes I try not to think of you in certain ways, but damn, are you shallow as a puddle? Best way to die is during sex? Hm? 

I kind of hope I never have sex again... It only caused me pain... 

Jeremy is a wonderful guy, and I care about him so much, but when I think about it, I can only find myself hoping hoping hoping he won't do to me what you did, and it makes me feel like I shouldn't do it with him until far far later in time, when he has physically proved to me that I'm worth staying with, and actually dating. One day I will give him that of me, but I don't know when, or how, or how much it will take for me to get comfortable with the idea of sharing that same whole of my heart and body that got me put into this whirlwind of ache in the first place.

You disgust me. But I still think you're a good friend, I don't know how that works. Some say I shouldn't talk to you at all, I keep thinking if you just become friends with me I will feel so much better about things. Otherwise, I feel like you just dropped me and went right on to another chick without a damn care in the world. I know you won't be serious about her. You know why?

She has no job, possibly no college, no car. She's in the same situation I was in, and as you put it, we were "in two different positions in life and things wouldn't work out". Oh, and she's married. I can understand its just flirting, but please don't talk about fucking her in front of the girl who trusted you with her virginity only to get backstabbed by the rejection of that trust into this cold well of denial I suffer.

God, I pray, let Jeremy be a good man. I know, I said I wasn't going to pray for a man to be right again, because every time I do pray for a man to work out, it goes more and more south with every extra prayer...

But I don't want to hurt like this ever again. After everything I've been through, just once, give me someone who's real, who's deep and cares. Please God let him date me as soon as we meet, let him make love to me and decide he wants to spend his life with only me, or something like that. I don't think I can take losing someone again after giving them everything. It hurt bad enough this last time... I mean, I never was anything more than a friend. I lost my virginity to a friend. A friend. A friend. A friend. A friend. A friend. A friend... Nothing more than... a friend...

I hate what I did with him. I shouldn't have done it. I should've been smart, should've waited. Should've waited til we dated, and since it wasn't going to happen (or maybe it would've if I was holding the sex back), I would've been safe.

I'm thrusting my heart out there again, and my heart is fully forward, without any care about you anymore Loki. But what my heart is not without is the scars and the memories. 

I can't believe I had sex with you... I can't believe I gave you my virginity, and you never even dated me...

I hope this time is different, Jeremy, please, please be different... I'm a shattered woman as is, but I'm a good woman if you can take me for all my little pieces... But I can't go through what happened again, my pieces will turn into dust, and I will disappear and become apart of the wind itself.

God don't make me go through this pain again...

With Only Myself

I'm going to try and make this a short blog, the chances of that actually happening though are completely up for grabs by any of us.

It's just sad sometimes when I'm alone. I can really think about things, and I can end up bringing myself down. The reason why? Because it's when I realize I only have one person I'm close to. Lost the others, lost my friends, they lost me too. I have no one to talk to when it's all said and done but him. It sucks. I play video games with my mic on and just randomly try to start conversation just so I can pretend to socialize a bit, but it really feels like I have no one to talk to... 

It sucks that I have no friends, that they all moved away or forgot about me, like most people do. And to make it all better...

Jennifer in the chatroom decided to crack a joke when I said I'd plant zombies in the homes of my enemies. She goes "Watch out Loki", and I literally started crying...

What the hell is wrong with me? He's not my enemy, I want him to be my friend, but it's so difficult, he's always busy and I feel like I'm forcing him to be friends with me when I ask him to talk to me. I just...

I don't know what to do. It bothers me, every time a reminder that things are so off-set and awkward, and that everything went down the way it did. Always reminded I'm not a virgin anymore, that I lost my best friends over the summer, and that I'm still fighting for one friend back.  He's not my enemy, so don't say he is, I still care about him, things turned out horribly but I can forgive Loki and myself. 

Just, ugh!

I still feel all used up sometimes, like every time I start getting strong again, my legs falter and I realize I'm still too weak to stand up yet. The most pain I've ever been through, the hurt is not yet over. My virginity meant the world to me, and giving it to someone I loved, and I thought there was so much, and I never even dated the guy.  I shouldn't have been an idiot and had sex with him before dating, because I would've been so much more sane...

I wish I had something to do or somewhere to go, to get me away from these thoughts. Even in my bed I have memories of him. I don't want to... get rid of them, get rid of the people, undo it all. I wish I had my damn friend back... 

God I want to move away, and be with the man I'm talking to now, and do things right, I pray to God I do things right... I just hate these long nights, and it only took a few simple words and all that followed to trigger it. 

Time for a melt down.

In The Misfit Middle

Things are just running me crazy. I can't believe my life, if it's not one thing it's another. I have a horrible romantic life that might be looking up, but I can't help but be a bit scared. I have a financial situation that's going to either end up just right or very badly, and I have to be super careful about things. I have issues with money altogether. I have no life experience, no one to teach me how to drive, and no experience with socializing/working in a professional situation. 


So I was going to register for college this coming up semester, and I'll just put this down as "financial trouble" came up, and now I am having some major problems with knowing where to go. I won't start college at the moment, but instead maybe get a job, get my surgery, and start trying to save up to move to Ohio as soon as possible. Everything is so difficult... 


First let's start with my mother.


My mother, who I love. She was the woman who raised me for seventeen years. She did the best as a mother that she could, I think. I don't think my mother was meant to be a mother. She doesn't remember the bad things that I do, and so she doesn't understand why I moved out. She doesn't think I love her anymore, because I moved out. She thinks I use her, and I don't. I wish my mother could see it, feel it through me. It's not fair, I was with her. Fourteen years of my horrible step-father, and I was there. I was not the greatest kid, but I did as best as I knew how with the people I had to raise me. My step-father, who put me down constantly and always ridiculed me. I'd be fat and worthless forever in his eyes unless I did things his way. My mother, I loved her. Though she was mad sometimes, and sometimes she didn't want to deal with me, and didn't want to deal with my step-father (thus letting him take out his frustration on me), I still loved her... I still love her... I held her hair when she threw up, one time when I was a little girl. I was perhaps between the ages of 10 and 12. I sat on the bathroom floor on my knees behind her, the candlelight on the counter the only light in the master bathroom. Mom was hugged to the porcelain toilet bowl and puking, and what was I doing? Running my hands through her hair, wiping her face with a cold washcloth, and telling her it was going to be okay. Rubbing her back and telling her it was all all right, sitting with her while she was sick because her husband "didn't want to catch the bug" though it was her nerves and not her body making her ill. 


The last time my mother called me without me having to text her to call me or calling her first, she wanted to know if I had stolen money out of her bank account... That was a few months ago... She doesn't really check up on me much. I have given up, and I call her now to talk about renting movies and ask her in simple snippets of how is she doing, I'm good, etc. The last time I saw her, I'd told her I'd take her out to dinner and pay, that was the only way I'd get to take her out just her and me. But low and behold when she shows up to pick me up, her husband is there. And at the end of the meal that was not just me and Mom like I'd hoped, he pulls out a giant three-inch roll of cash and pays for his and Mom's meal, and I have to pay for my own, tip and all. If I had known it was going to turn out like that, I wouldn't have went. Thus why I haven't asked my mother out any more. It never just works out anymore. When I move away, maybe it'll be easier to accept that we rarely see each other and that I am always the one trying to see her and not my mother trying to see her only daughter.


I love you Mom, I just wish you could understand and love me back... Just help me, care about me... I miss you a lot...

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I miss my friend Nick. You have no idea, how many times I turn on the TV and hear a song, or hear music, and it reminds me of him. It sounds like him, Nick had the most beautiful singing voice. I listen to his music sometime on my laptop, and I wish I'd hear from him again. I remember when he sang me those songs, like "I'm Yours" though I thought he was such a dork for that one. But I listened to that song probably a hundred times or more. That was probably my favorite he'd sent me. 


Even when I found out about Jennifer, and realized that you probably had strong feelings for multiple girls and not just your girlfriend Chelsea, it didn't really bother me like it did Jen. I guess because I treasured your friendship. I didn't care if you loved me or not, you were my best friend, and you were good to me. Even though you obviously competed with Ben to prove you were better than him on an almost daily basis. Which also made me laugh. 


Eh, I miss your hyperactive sailor-mouth. You were fun, I miss you too. Sorry you had to go, to get to your own life and forget about me when I wanted a friend the most... I guess being alone in that time of so much pain did me a little good... Made me realize how easily I am disposed of...

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I mentioned Ben, right? Might as well touch on that. I'm still commissioning his gift. I had commissioned him a oil painting of his pet dog Takun before we kind of "split up" and it is a little too late to have it undone, so today I asked for him to give me his address again. I also manned up to tell him I wanted to talk to him. Just a friendly chat. I don't want to completely lose contact with him, I'd probably be a lot more sane if he'd just be friends with me. I'm tired of the cycle of giving a man my everything and then losing him to the point of no contact ever again. I refuse to just let him walk on, I don't care how bad his life sucks. He's going to have to deal with me as long as I can manage to nag his sorry ass. 


I just... Eh... Even though we were never more than friends, he was a good friend. I loved him more than I had ever loved anyone in my entire life, and it hurt to realize how little we really had going between us, but pain makes you stronger, or at least makes you pretend to be stronger. Nothing like a cripple who thinks they're Superman... I don't want to just lose someone who knows everything about me and knows me like the back of his hand. I would like to continue being friends, and chit-chat and laugh together. I don't think I'd ever feel the same about him as I once did because he took my virginity and never fulfilled his promises of dating me or seeing me again... But I don't want to feel that way about him anymore. I just want my friend back...

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How am I going to move to Ohio on my own? I have no cash, wait, take that back. I have about eighty dollars to my name. The people in my family who have money don't care about me, and the people who care don't have money to offer. The financial situation at hand makes things super difficult because I can't get a job until a certain period of time, in a certain step in a list of steps. Then having to file for my own HealthCare and pray it goes through. Moving up to Ohio, getting my own place, getting a roommate or Jeremy to move in with me, and trying to get everything in order so in the fall I can definitely start college. Ugh, the whole moving situation on no cash is impossible. But I've got to try. If I'm going to do summer / fall college, I need to be up there by May at the latest...






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And finally? What else, but a rant. Of course, because there is one person I keep an eye on who has just pissed me off today...


I'll just start, and go down a list.


-You are not a good mother.
A good mother takes their actions into consideration, and thinks about their kids when they do things. A mother also does not brag about being a mother and using it as an excuse or title to make you see more mature than you truly are. Being a mother is about responsibility, and if you can't even take care of yourself, and care about yourself, how do you expect to take care of your children? Stop using those kids like accessories or a Girl Scout badge. Whoop-dee-doo, you got kids. And how old are you? And why aren't they in your custody again?


-You think you have self-confidence issues? You think you look bad? 
Oh my nose is too big, oh I got pregnancy weight left and I'm scared of my stomach sticking out in clothes. Happy day for you. You grew up and got picked on for looking like a boy? I grew up and got picked on because I was fat, and because of my health issues no matter what I did (karate, soccer, sports, running, etc), I couldn't ever seem to drop the weight, just gain muscle mass. I always got picked on for being tall and big, but not fat in the manner of most fat girls. I got picked on for being manly big, but as I grew older it fell into women always picking on me because I wasn't a toothpick or blond and I wore clothes from the men's section, clothes I had been wearing for years because I didn't get new clothes very often. Men were just friendzoning me or wanting me for one thing or another, and never the something real I wanted. I have hormonal issues that made me very odd for both my age and shape as I got older. Pack on the health problems underlying my fatness that everyone just wrote off as me having to be a big eater at home, and the parents who didn't want to take me to the doctor because I "over-exaggerated my issues", I didn't do well in the area of being attractive. 


-Don't talk shit about a good man.
Just because you can't find one yourself. You obviously find some self-sanity in putting yourself on a pedestal and saying that you only got to be in the horrible state you're in because of others. You put down men, and ha, well, what for? You're the one who put up with them. And this brings me to another thing:


-Don't say he fucked you up.
If you didn't like it, if it hurt, leave you dumb bitch. Good God, is that such a hard concept? If a man did you wrong, leave. If you didn't like it, and he hurt you, and he "fucked you up", then why did you stay with him, and then later have a child by him? Hm? P.S.: At thirteen you shouldn't have been having sex anyway. What is wrong with the world today?! Don't spread your legs until you've completed puberty!


-How are you going to talk shit about a man you were with, when...
You cheated on him? When he had to question if the child was even his or not? Did you have any thoughts on how that must've made him feel? Don't put him down when the entire time he was in love with you and planning on marrying you, you were whoring around with your legs spread so wide that you were attracting tourists. You are so full of shit sometimes, please woman just shut your face and think about it all for once. The only reason you are fucked up is because you do not make good decisions, and you have yet to realize this yourself to such a degree as to stop making stupid choices in your life.


-You have man problems?
Probably so, if I've noticed something, it's that you love sex- just not with the person you're dating after things have gotten serious. Ugh, woman grow up. Sex is not a cigarette. You don't smoke it when you want it,  and you don't try other cigarettes when you get tired of the taste. You fall in love with someone, and you share an intimate experience. You touch, caress, and make love. You share more than your body, you give your mind and heart in love-making. You make it more than sex. And when you make love, you don't need sex with others. You've got all you need in one place when you are in love. You apparently have no clue of what love is.


-You think you have family problems?
You don't like what your mother and father say to you? Well imagine how they must feel, deciding you like your biological family more than them. My goodness hon, it must have hurt them to some degree. Plus with how wild you've gone, how would you feel if your kids were called whores and deep down you knew that they had earned that title? They raised you, and then you just go about and run around the world with no moral boundaries. I'd probably make jokes and not be the nicest to you either.


-You can't find yourself?
You're searching in the wrong places. You are never going to find yourself simply by changing your hair, clothes, and acting differently. You find yourself when you take responsibility of your circumstances and decide to handle your life a little more maturely than you already have. And gain some self-respect, you might be able to find yourself if you stop flitting around with man after man.


-You think you are fat as a size 7?
I'm a size 18, talk about huge as hell. I have been a size 18 for years, my medication only keeps me from gaining weight, and nothing I really do helps me drop pounds. Only drinking lots and lots of water keeps me looking thinner because of my water weight gain that goes up and down every day. I hate my size, so don't bitch when you are a size 7. You can still find clothes your size in most stores in a mall. I can't. So shut the fuck up.


-You hate your stretch marks? 
At least you have a nice story with them. Pregnancy causes stretch-marks, if you didn't want the stretch marks, you shouldn't have gotten pregnant. I have stretch marks too, but not from pregnancy. My story isn't as understandable. I have stretch marks because of the eating disorders I went through in my home life when I was younger, going through middle school with all the torment of being the fatty of my class. I would starve myself, or shovel food, throw up if I felt too large. I tried every diet pill you could think of save for a scarce few like Alli because it was too expensive. I have stretch marks too, but screw what people think. You say you aren't superficial, but you worry about your looks so much. If someone loves you, they love you because of who you are inside. If you aren't finding someone who can love those little flaws in you, they don't love you. And you said you are looking for yourself, well you aren't going to find you all on the outside. Dig deeper, or maybe you are just naturally as shallow as a puddle and just can't tell.

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End rant.