I'm going to try and make this a short blog, the chances of that actually happening though are completely up for grabs by any of us.
It's just sad sometimes when I'm alone. I can really think about things, and I can end up bringing myself down. The reason why? Because it's when I realize I only have one person I'm close to. Lost the others, lost my friends, they lost me too. I have no one to talk to when it's all said and done but him. It sucks. I play video games with my mic on and just randomly try to start conversation just so I can pretend to socialize a bit, but it really feels like I have no one to talk to...
It sucks that I have no friends, that they all moved away or forgot about me, like most people do. And to make it all better...
Jennifer in the chatroom decided to crack a joke when I said I'd plant zombies in the homes of my enemies. She goes "Watch out Loki", and I literally started crying...
What the hell is wrong with me? He's not my enemy, I want him to be my friend, but it's so difficult, he's always busy and I feel like I'm forcing him to be friends with me when I ask him to talk to me. I just...
I don't know what to do. It bothers me, every time a reminder that things are so off-set and awkward, and that everything went down the way it did. Always reminded I'm not a virgin anymore, that I lost my best friends over the summer, and that I'm still fighting for one friend back. He's not my enemy, so don't say he is, I still care about him, things turned out horribly but I can forgive Loki and myself.
Just, ugh!
I still feel all used up sometimes, like every time I start getting strong again, my legs falter and I realize I'm still too weak to stand up yet. The most pain I've ever been through, the hurt is not yet over. My virginity meant the world to me, and giving it to someone I loved, and I thought there was so much, and I never even dated the guy. I shouldn't have been an idiot and had sex with him before dating, because I would've been so much more sane...
I wish I had something to do or somewhere to go, to get me away from these thoughts. Even in my bed I have memories of him. I don't want to... get rid of them, get rid of the people, undo it all. I wish I had my damn friend back...
God I want to move away, and be with the man I'm talking to now, and do things right, I pray to God I do things right... I just hate these long nights, and it only took a few simple words and all that followed to trigger it.
Time for a melt down.
