This time was different.
Felt like I was just a victim.
And it cut me like a knife,
When you walked out of my life.
Now I'm in this condition,
I've got all the symptoms...
Stop it. You have no idea what has happened to me, what you did.
I really want to be friends, I don't want to just let you walk out of my life so easily when I literally trusted you with everything I had. I know how things turned out, but please, just be my damn friend. I'm so tired of wondering if you just don't care anymore, that it meant nothing to you. At least if you are my friend I'll not feel like you give no shit at all about me.
And you and her need to stop flirting in front of me. I don't love you, but damn does it hurt to be constantly reminded of how I got played. You screwed me, took my valuable and meaningful virginity, and never even dated me like you promised. Now you are making sexual flirts with a married woman. Talk about rubbing it in my face. Sometimes I try not to think of you in certain ways, but damn, are you shallow as a puddle? Best way to die is during sex? Hm?
I kind of hope I never have sex again... It only caused me pain...
Jeremy is a wonderful guy, and I care about him so much, but when I think about it, I can only find myself hoping hoping hoping he won't do to me what you did, and it makes me feel like I shouldn't do it with him until far far later in time, when he has physically proved to me that I'm worth staying with, and actually dating. One day I will give him that of me, but I don't know when, or how, or how much it will take for me to get comfortable with the idea of sharing that same whole of my heart and body that got me put into this whirlwind of ache in the first place.
You disgust me. But I still think you're a good friend, I don't know how that works. Some say I shouldn't talk to you at all, I keep thinking if you just become friends with me I will feel so much better about things. Otherwise, I feel like you just dropped me and went right on to another chick without a damn care in the world. I know you won't be serious about her. You know why?
She has no job, possibly no college, no car. She's in the same situation I was in, and as you put it, we were "in two different positions in life and things wouldn't work out". Oh, and she's married. I can understand its just flirting, but please don't talk about fucking her in front of the girl who trusted you with her virginity only to get backstabbed by the rejection of that trust into this cold well of denial I suffer.
God, I pray, let Jeremy be a good man. I know, I said I wasn't going to pray for a man to be right again, because every time I do pray for a man to work out, it goes more and more south with every extra prayer...
But I don't want to hurt like this ever again. After everything I've been through, just once, give me someone who's real, who's deep and cares. Please God let him date me as soon as we meet, let him make love to me and decide he wants to spend his life with only me, or something like that. I don't think I can take losing someone again after giving them everything. It hurt bad enough this last time... I mean, I never was anything more than a friend. I lost my virginity to a friend. A friend. A friend. A friend. A friend. A friend. A friend... Nothing more than... a friend...
I hate what I did with him. I shouldn't have done it. I should've been smart, should've waited. Should've waited til we dated, and since it wasn't going to happen (or maybe it would've if I was holding the sex back), I would've been safe.
I'm thrusting my heart out there again, and my heart is fully forward, without any care about you anymore Loki. But what my heart is not without is the scars and the memories.
I can't believe I had sex with you... I can't believe I gave you my virginity, and you never even dated me...
I hope this time is different, Jeremy, please, please be different... I'm a shattered woman as is, but I'm a good woman if you can take me for all my little pieces... But I can't go through what happened again, my pieces will turn into dust, and I will disappear and become apart of the wind itself.
God don't make me go through this pain again...
